


Breathin'

by TheOnlyCeeCeeJ



Series: The Ariana Grande Series [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Battle of the Department of Mysteries, Coping, Don't copy to another site, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Grieving, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by an Ariana Grande Song, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Romance, Second War with Voldemort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-14 01:13:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20592206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOnlyCeeCeeJ/pseuds/TheOnlyCeeCeeJ
Summary: After the Department of Mysteries, everything changed. When he can't sleep, Harry takes himself to the Astronomy Tower trying to mull over the loss of his Godfather and the danger he placed his friends in. No one knows he does this, except one certain blonde witch.*Based on the Ariana Grande song of the same name*





	Breathin'

**Author's Note:**

> Well this took a while! Next one in my series for you! I hope you like it!
> 
> **I do not own Harry Potter in any way shape or form, the asterisk is a line taken from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix**

The news of the events at the Department of Mysteries spread quickly. Harry Potter and a group of classmates broke into the Ministry of Magic and ended in a battle; Teenagers versus Death Eaters, The Order of the Phoenix quickly joining, with a special guest making his first public appearance since the first war. As Fudge and other Ministry officials saw Voldemort with their own eyes, the threat of the Wizarding World was confirmed.

When Hogwarts returned in September 1996, things were different. The atmosphere was particularly darker among both students and teachers. Students felt the fear, some for the light and some for the dark. A select group of students were trying to recover from the horrors they experienced; ghost pains from their injuries, nightmares of the spells flying over their heads, the faces of the spell-casters burned into their minds. Time passed and not much changed. Everyone had their own coping methods. 

Hermione Granger threw herself into her NEWT classes. Homework, extra reading, personal study projects; anything that kept her mind active and away from the harrowing memories of Antonin Dolohov. Her chest still twinged every so often and when it did, her mind flashed purple behind the light came the dead sunken eyes of the man who tried to kill her. 

Ron Weasley refused to let anyone know how scared he was. Once back at school, he joined the Gryffindor quidditch team and put his everything into proving he deserved his place. After winning their match, Ron caught the attention of Lavender Brown and the tunnel vision began. Every second of his day was spent with Lav-Lav, they ate together, studied together and if they weren’t talking with each other, their tongues were otherwise occupied. Ron’s focus was away from that spaced out feeling he experienced and the tentacles that had tried to strangle him.

Ginny turned to Dean, putting her all into their relationship attempting to make happier memories to try and force out the nightmares of the red light streaming straight to her face, Mulciber’s vicious smile taunting her. 

Neville turned to plants. He spent all of his free time in the greenhouses, assisting Professor Sprout tending to any and all plants. Everytime he closed his eyes he could see the empty eyes of the woman who had destroyed his life. He could still feel her hands all over his body and when he slept, he could still hear her whispering in his ear. Telling him about his parents; how they screamed and begged for their lives, how she wished she’d just finished them off.

Whilst all of these individual emotional tempests took place, the largest followed around a certain young man. Harry Potter was not the same person after that fateful night. All summer, he kept himself to himself. He barely ate, he barely slept. His relatives took the chance to remind him how alone he was, so why not truly be alone. Back at school, he was withdrawn and guarded. When spoken to, he gave one word answers. He didn’t raise his hand in class or contribute to any kind of conversation.

At night, Harry tried to sleep. He really did, but every time he closed his eyes, he re-lived that one moment. The spell crashing into the man’s chest, him looking down at where he had been hit, the ghostly smile gracing his features. _It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall: his body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backwards through the ragged veil hanging from the arch*._ Every time he saw it, he didn’t wake up immediately. He was held still, screaming for Sirius, trying to rush and save him, fighting against the arms that held him in place. Bellatrix Lestrange’s cackle echoed through his ears. Eventually he would break free from the invisible restraints and find himself clammy, his voice hoarse from the screaming. 

Harry thanked every god out there that he had learned how to put privacy and silencing charms on his bed’s curtains, never once did he wake his dorm mates with his problems. Some nights, he would simply lay there willing himself awake trying to forget the pain stabbing through his chest. Other nights, he would grab his invisibility cloak and map and make his way out of the common room. He would walk through the darkness, occasionally ducking away from a patrolling Filch and Mrs Norris, until he reached the Astronomy tower.

Every night that he found himself up there, he always took himself right to the edge. He’d sit there and feel the breeze on his face. Whilst it wasn’t as powerful as it was when he was flying, it was close enough. He felt less trapped. Less suffocated. Free, for lack of a better word. His mind relaxed as the night air caressed his face. He would sit there for as long as he could, without risking being caught, with his legs dangling over the edge and his mind clear. 

One night, however, things weren’t as easy. When he got up to the Astronomy Tower, the rainfall was at its heaviest, dampening his already low mood. The sound of the rain hitting the building filled his mind, slowly changing into hisses. Whispers. Harry could hear the veil. The sound kept running and running, wrapping around him, smothering him. He couldn’t breathe. 

Harry untied his cloak and dropped it to the ground, trying to pull air into his tightened lungs. He closed his eyes to try and stop the tears that were forcing their way out. He could see Sirius. He could see him falling through the veil. He could feel hands all over him, pulling him in, whispering for him to go with them. To help them. To save them. He could feel his body being dragged into the cold, helpless abyss. The logical part of his brain that would have told him that it couldn’t be real was overpowered by the physical pain that he was enduring. He tried to scream but he couldn’t. His lungs were burning, he felt like he was being crushed by a mountain troll.

Harry opened his eyes and staggered his way over to the edge and stuck his head out, gasping for air as the rain blasted his face, attempting to pull him out of whatever trance he was lost in. He could hear her soft melodic voice guiding him through. Pulling him back to earth. Trying to get his breathing under control. 

As his breath began to steady, he pulled himself up and stood on the ledge. The rain splattered all over him and he soon felt himself begin to shiver. The cold air ripped through his damp clothing, through his skin and right to the bone. Sure, he could cast spells on himself to stop the rain and wind hitting him but he didn’t want to. The icy pain rattling his bones reminded him that, after everything, he was still there. He could still feel. He needed to feel. Water and tears stung his eyes as the wind whistled through his ears, sounding eerily like the whispering of the veil. 

A deep sob broke free, “I’m alone.” Harry hung his head and looked down. 

“You’re not alone, Harry.” 

Harry shook his head, sure her voice was coming from inside his head again. “Yes I am. Even you’re not here.”

“You’re not alone, Harry. I’m right here.”

Harry held on and turned around to see Luna standing in the doorway. She was wrapped in a heavy cloak, her bare feet poking out the bottom. Harry stared for a moment, still unsure if she was real or if his mind was fabricating what he wanted to see. What he needed to see. Luna flashed him a sweet smile and slowly walked towards him, holding out her hand motioning for him to come down. Taking one more look over the edge, Harry turned and stepped down. He kept his eyes on the ground, and suddenly felt himself dry and warm up. When he looked up, Luna was right in front of him putting her wand away. Straight away, she wrapped her arms around Harry’s waist and held on tight. 

Harry wrapped his arms around the small girl and placed his cheek on top of her head. Everything about this girl made him truly calm down. Her warmth, her aura, her magic. It was all comfortable. They stood like that in silence as his breathing calmed, the tears dried up and he physically relaxed. Once he was sure he was ok, he pulled back slightly and took Luna’s hands in his. 

Harry offered Luna a watery smile and they moved to sit down together on the steps. “How did you find me here?”

“You’re always here aren’t you, Harry?” Luna smiled. “A friend. She tells me when you are here. Usually she lets me sleep and her words float through my dreams. Tonight was different. She told me that I needed to wake up. She told me you needed me.”

Harry chuckled, completely unsure of whether it was a strange creature or ghost, “Well, whoever your friend is, she was right.” Harry looked down at their linked fingers and squeezed her hand affectionately, “I don’t know, Luna, everything is just hitting me so badly tonight. I don’t know what happened that’s different from every other day.”

“You’ve been holding yourself together as best you can, Harry, but you can’t forever. Sometimes you just need to release your feelings.” Luna placed her free hand on top of their joined hands. “Holding everything in just makes things worse in the long run.” 

“I know but I need to be strong. Everyone is expecting so much of me…”

“You stop that now, Harry Potter,” Luna cut in. “You may be the prophecy child but that’s just it. You are a child. These people who are sitting back and waiting for you to defeat you-know-who are obviously infested with wrackspurts. Honestly, who in their right mind would happily let a child fight a war for them?”

“The entirety of Wizarding Britain, apparently,” Harry shrugged, “I know it’s mad but I still have to show some kind of strength. For everyone.”

“And you do. Every day. You walk around here with a smile on your face. You laugh, you learn and you live.” 

Harry smiled at the young girl. He couldn’t for the life of him understand why people bullied her. She had a heart of gold and love to share with the entire world. He couldn’t think of a bad word to say about her. The level of judgement people threw at this beautiful soul was unreal. Whilst Harry was upset for the girl, sometimes he couldn’t help but feel glad that she wasn’t surrounded by throngs of people. It made their friendship more special. Closer. It was something that not many people had and he was thankful.

Luna returned the smile, “Something brought you up here alone, Harry. Have you spoken to anyone else recently?”

Harry sat and thought for a moment. He racked his brain trying to remember the last time he had a full conversation with one of his friends. “Well, Ron’s been kinda busy with Lavender and ‘Mione has been in the library a lot. I don’t think I’ve really seen Neville, except saying goodnight.” Harry stopped. He finally had a realisation, he hadn’t interacted with any of his friends properly since the DOM. “What the hell is wrong with me, Luna? I lead my friends to potential death and then just ignore them. What kind of a friend am I?!” Harry started to hyperventilate, fresh tears forming in his eyes. “I… I’m so… so selfish. I… how could I… I’m a terrible friend.” Harry dropped his head into his hands.

“You’re not a terrible friend, Harry. You’re a friend who is hurting. They’re all hurting. Whilst you may not have made contact with them, neither did they contact you.” Luna pulled Harry’s hands away from his face. “Everyone is trying to cope in different ways and they all need to cope. You’ll all be ok soon. I know you will.” Luna gave Harry her knowing smile. 

Harry sighed and nodded, “What about you? You were there too. Are you… ok?” 

Luna smiled, “I’m ok, Harry. You don’t need to worry about me.” Luna reshuffled herself to face Harry fully. “You always think of everyone else. You’re a good one, Harry. Let someone look after you for once, ok?”

Harry hesitated, his mind a battle ground. He knew that he needed someone to talk to. It was obvious. But he couldn’t help but feel so selfish. Luna brushed her thumbs across the back of Harry’s hands, squeezing them lightly in reassurance. 

“Some days things just take way too much of my energy. When I’m in bed, I want to sleep, but I look up and the whole room's spinning. All I see is his face. I miss him so much, Luna. He was here for me and I led him to his death. My stupid stupid actions caused him to die.”

“Harry, you need to try to stop blaming yourself. He knew what he was doing when he went to the Ministry. It’s what Sirius signed up to when he joined The Order. He wouldn’t blame you for what happened, so you shouldn’t.”

Harry nodded, “I know you’re right but it’s just hard to justify that in my head. I don’t know… I don’t know how to talk about this with anyone. I just seem to overcomplicate it all. If I say anything, people will tell me to medicate. I don’t want to be but whenever I start feeling ok, things just change. It’s surreal. I feel my blood running and I swear the sky’s falling… I don’t know if this shit’s fabricated.” Harry took a few breaths, his feelings pouring from him. His breaths started to get quicker and less regular, “Time goes by and I can’t control my mind.” Harry’s hands started shaking, “I don’t know what else to try.”

Luna brought her hands up to Harry’s face and held their eye contact, “What do I tell you every time? Just keep breathing and breathing and breathing and breathing.” Luna started demonstrating calming breaths and kept going until Harry calmed down and was breathing in time with her. “Minds are a difficult thing to control, Harry. You’ve experienced more that any person could ever imagine. I’m surprised you have as much control as you do.”

Harry smiled slightly and took Luna’s hands away from his face, pulling her into a tight hug. “I don’t know how you do it, Luna. How can you be so… So like yourself? Sometimes it’s so hard to find my way up into the clouds. There’s just so much going on in my head. Voices, whispers, myself. I try to tune it out…”

“They can be so loud, Harry. I know. I hear them too, you know. I heard them. When we were in the Department of Mysteries. Those whispers coming from the veil. I’m pretty sure I could hear my mum’s voice. She was singing, I think. She usually was. She sang everything.”

“How do you do it?” Harry asked, running his fingers through Luna’s hair. “You’ve gone through so much and yet you still see the good in everything. Your perspective on life… You know what, you remind me of a time when things weren’t so complicated.” Harry pulled back from the hug and ran his fingers through Luna’s hair again, his hand resting at the base of her neck. “All I need is to see your face.”

Luna leaned into the touch and smiled. They stayed like that for a while, looking at each other. Harry brushed his thumb lightly down Luna’s neck. Harry watched as her eyes fluttered closed at the contact. He couldn’t help but think about how beautiful she looked. Her long pale eyelashes rested on her cheeks and her lips were pulled into a soft smile. This girl just seemed to take all of Harry’s cares away. She had this calming aura about her. No matter how terrible he seemed to feel, one glance at the blonde witch brought him back. 

Whilst they were silent in the Tower, Harry’s mind was once again running wild. He was having an internal battle over some new feelings that seemed to be forming. There was a fluttering in his stomach that he couldn’t completely identify, which only intensified as Luna started humming a soft tune. His heart started hammering in his chest and he couldn’t calm it down. He had never felt anything like this before, not even when he looked at Cho. He knew what he was feeling and he didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t sure if she felt the same. He had no clue if she ever thought of him in any way other than friendship. 

Harry kept the movement of his thumb going as he unintentionally zoned out, trying to work out his next move. Luna opened her eyes and immediately recognised the look on Harry’s face. She giggled as his eyes seemed to look right through her. She thought it was incredibly adorable how he seemed to just worry about what was happening. She had always liked Harry. She didn’t know when it had developed past friendship. Maybe it was tonight. Maybe before. He had seen past the “Loony” and seen her as Luna. He was her first _real_ friend and loved her even with all of her quirks. He never tried to shut her down or tell her that she was speaking nonsense like everyone else. Despite everything he was going through, he had the biggest heart of anyone she knew and she wanted to be the one that held that heart.

Sensing Harry’s mind wasn’t going to come to a solution anytime soon, Luna decided to take things into her own hands, literally. She leaned forward and took Harry’s face in her hands and brought their lips together. It was chaste and sweet and all Harry needed to snap out of the daze that he was in. 

“Luna, what…”

“You were away with the wrackspurts. I thought that might help. I can’t wait forever, you know,” she giggled.

Harry smiled, “It definitely worked. Luna, I…”

“I like you, Harry Potter. I hope you like me too.”

Harry blushed and nodded, “I like you a lot, Luna Lovegood.” Harry leaned forward and kissed her again. Their lips moved together carefully, both as inexperienced as the other. They were both a little nervous but both giving it their all, needing the other to know that they cared for each other and that they were there. When they pulled back, Harry rested his forehead against luna’s and whispered, “Thank you. For everything.”

Luna smiled and stood, holding her hand out for him to stand, “Come on, let’s get to bed. We have classes in the morning and it won’t do to have covert wispmothers all around us making us sleepy.”

Harry took Luna’s hand and stood, linking their fingers together. They both got under Harry’s cloak and made their way to Ravenclaw Tower, where they shared one last short kiss before Luna answered the riddle to go to her dorm. Harry made his way back to Gryffindor Tower, walking past a disapproving Fat Lady and heading straight for his bed. He laid down and stared at his bed hangings with a big smile on his face. He knew that things wouldn’t be fixed straight away, but he wasn’t alone. His Little Moon would be with him every step of the way.

**Author's Note:**

> A couple of amazeballs people created Writer's Den, a Discord server for writers, readers and betas to congregate and be awesome together! We are one hugely dysfunctional family and I love them all! Join us https://discord.gg/G77FbMT we want our family to grow! it's nearly the server's birthday, drop in and celebrate!!!


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